September 20

This is a difficult topic to discuss today but God has called upon me to present this.  I don’t want to, but I have to.  Over the last month, at least four times someone has suggested to me that I need to address this with you guys.  I don’t believe it coincidences so we need to go there.  

The subject?  Abuse in the marriage

Lets start off with the definition of abuse?

Obviously physical…what other types of abuse are out there?

Anyone know of a couple that has endured any of these types of abuses?

Common traits of abusers/bullies:
Bullies often lack an inner confidence…their actions and reactions are designed to preserve their dignity and self-image and to avoid thinking about their perceived weaknesses.  

Bullies feel that the best way to deal with their fears is indirectly, by projecting those same feelings onto their victims.  “I know you don’t have this weakness because you do and you are less than I am”.  Barb’s sister Jeanine story here.

Bullies often cannot even think of a friendly response that can preserve their dignity and self image so they see no alternatives to aggression.  Discussion or argument and they are caught in a lie, mistake etc?

Aggression can be learned by watching aggressive people we see as models.

Bullies select their targets selectively.  You may be surprised to know that a person is a bullier.  

How can you tell if a friend is being abused in their marriage?  (1) Depression associated with a lack of interpersonal power and control and they kick themselves for being inadequate. (2) Victims feel like they are a failure because they cannot work it out so they don’t tell others because they are afraid again of being seen as a failure (a vicious cycle) (3) physical  (scars or marks) (4) withdrawal from friendship-bullying requires that victims be isolated in some way.  Victims cannot be bullied over time if people are around or present to intervene.   Other examples?


In the bible, we are reminded that our bodies and minds are temples of God.  

2 Corinthians 6:16 says  “And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols?  For YOU are God’s temple, the home of the living God and God has said of you, “I will live in them and walk among them, and I will be their God and they shall be my people”.

So, our minds and bodies are temples of God.  Yet, even Christian men and women abuse these temples.

But we do not believe in divorce right?  We don’t even use the D word in our marriages?  It is not an option, right?

So what are we to do?

Let me start out by saying that abuse is the complete opposite of what we have discussed the past few weeks.  We have been discussing loving your spouse sacrificially.  Building them up, encouraging them, unconditional love.  Physical, mental and emotional abuse is the complete opposite.

 No one should ever stay in an abusive situation.  If the offender is not willing to seek counseling and make a sincere, concerted effort to change their habits and the situation at home, the offended spouse should not remain in this type of environment where they will be abused.

God says in 2 Corinthians 6:17  “Leave them: separate yourselves from them, don’t touch their filthy things and I will welcome you”.

Action Steps:

Recognize and give permission to act on your feelings and discomfort.  Bystanders tend to feel afraid, embarrassed, and inadequate about their non-response or ineffective response to the abuses they observe. They want things to be different and they desire to help, however, they are afraid of being physically, emotionally or socially hurt if they attempt involvement.  We must help one another.

If  you are a victim, you need to know that you are not in this alone.  We are here for you and will help you.  And we will help the abusive spouse.  Remember the unconditional love part?  We have and will help everyone no matter what.  Please seek counseling.  If you are a bullier, they can help you.  If you are a victim, they can help you also.  A good counseling can help your marriage, protect the temples where God lives and change a legacy for your children so the cycle is broken once and for all.

We should do all we can to save a marriage before ending it.  The effects of a broken home last for many years.  This is the mission of this Life Group.  Lets help each other and anyone else that needs us.  Unconditional love knows no boundaries.